Shit Londoner James Davies sent in this photo suggesting that this is evidence that the design team at Snapple have lost the will to live but I think it might be a clumsy effort on their part to rebrand themselves as a more small producer, organic, homemade kind of brand. The kind of thing that you might pick up at a farmers market and are drawn to simply because the label is written in biro which somehow conjures images of an earnest looking farmer and his smiling family carrying fruit laden baskets to an old wooden barn to be pressed into fresh fruit punch with their feet….or something.
Whilst the country has collectively been losing their shit over the horse meat scandal this shockingly brazen product has somehow managed to slip under the radar. In the case of the horse meat the trail of blame for the questionably sourced fodder led all the way to Romania where horses outnumber people by about 1000 to 1…probably (either way they have enough unclaimed dobbins mooching about that they get afford to grind them up and sell them as cut price flesh gravel to the rest of Europe) In this case however it looks like the trail leads right out of the realm of reality and into Middle Earth itself. Has our insatiable lust for meat really led us to the point that we are now consuming fantasy creatures from much loved alternate universes? What the hell is next?! Am I going to buy what I think is Octopus only to later discover that I’m munching on grilled Sarlacc instead? Is that remarkably cheap meatball actually made from illegally sourced Hippogriff? And that kebab you had last night, guess what, pure unicorn that was.
It’s outrageous. I’m outraged.
Spotted by Patrick Dalton
This has disaster written all over it, it’s a ticking time bomb just waiting to happen. Putting these two events in such close proximity can only end in someone breaking free from the Alcohol Concern Family Training Programme, heading next door and “tasting” a few of the German wines on offer and ending up going on a Liebfraumilch fuelled rampage through the streets of East London.
Spotted by Charlie Stein
Viagra Prawn Warp sounds three random words pulled out of hat and then used to name a really terrible band you’d stumble across playing the Green Fields at Glastonbury at four in the morning. That not withstanding who’d want to eat a prawn wrap (I’m assuming that they didn’t mean “warp”…unless this is perhaps some new legal high) laced with viagra anyway? Shellfish are supposed to be natural aphrodisiacs so coupling them with chemical erection enducers could prove to be a potent and possibly calamitous mixture. Portobello Road get very dense with people during the weekend so would not be the most convenient place to get an impromptu and awkwardly long lasting boner. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.
Spotted by Angelique Neumann
Personally I think that this sandwich shop should be applauded for letting their customers know exactly what they are ordering. Most places would just thrust salmonella upon their customers without giving them the chance to have a think about it first.
It’s also worth noting that they offer panini with “grilled marks” as if this is some gastronomical flourish they’re particularly proud of. Forgive me if I’m wrong but aren’t grilled marks on panini a given? They’re an unavoidable, natural sign that your panini has been prepared in the intended manner and hasn’t been say, shallow fried or boiled. This is kind of like offering “Soup – with steam”. You can’t take credit for steam or grill marks, it’s simple psychics!
Spotted by Steve Bullock