Stay Safe, Soho

Posted on June 13, 2013 by Patrick in Bleak, Local Government, Shit London Photo, West End | Leave a comment

Sometimes I feel sorry for the Met. If they stand back and “observe” as people are burnt out of their homes and every precious branch of JD Sports in South London is looted to oblivion then people get pissed off at them. If they gather in their hundreds in full riot gear to eject a few protestors from an old police station in Soho, people get pissed off at them for that. If during some light hearted kettling they violently shove a half cut, middle aged man with his hands in his pockets onto his face who then subsequently has a heart attack and dies, the public gets all uppity about the fact they tried to blame their way out of it. Worse still, when an officer innocently tries to earn a little more cash then the pittance they are on by selling confidential information to the press they are widely condemned for it. They just can’t win can they? Which I why I feel especially sorry for them when I see sights like this that suggest that they can’t even make a window safe let alone an entire neighbourhood.

Spotted by John Marshall

Borderline Copyright Infringement, Streatham

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Patrick in Puns, Shit London Photo, Shops, Signs, South, Weird | 3 Comments

Maybe the owners of this mini-cab company should’ve Googled “copyright infringement” before they chose to put this sign up. I suppose this felt like a cunning idea at the time. Call your mini-cab company “Google Cars” and then every time somebody types “cars” into Google your mini cab company will pop up at the top of the page, right? Except, it doesn’t really work like that in practice does it? Maybe the owners of this place thought they were working along the same principle of those plumbers who call there business “AAAAA000000011111 Plumbers” in an attempt to appear first in the Yellow Pages. Who knows? One thing that is for certain is that is not an attempt by Google to diversify their business by muscling in on the South London mini-cab market. As a business move that would make no sense, it’s not something a giant company would do unless they have a special division devoted to making wild, outlandish and improbable investments.

The hastily rearranged sign changing “Google Cars” into the enigmatic sounding “Goooglie Cars” suggest that they might have got a phone call from the lawyers at Google HQ. It’s no surprise really considering that they are the only company who have little cars driving around that are constantly and consistently photographing everything on the street. They were bound to notice at some point.

Minced What Now??, Finchley Road

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Patrick in North, Restaurants, Shit London Photo, Signs, Weird | Leave a comment

In the ongoing and seemingly endless game of oneupmanship between the epicureans of London there is always fierce competition to seek out stranger and more exclusively batshit gastronomical experiences. Some people will queue up for five hours outside a multi-storey car park somewhere to get the chance to eat at a pop-up restaurant that serves traditional American barbecue with a Micronesian twist. I’ve heard people talk about eating pulled pork from pigs that were raised in bouncy castles on a diet of conkers, gabba music and late night truffle hunting sessions. Sometimes it seems that the story, the experience and claiming to have eaten something no one else has are actually more important than the food itself. However, this Persian restaurant on Finchley Road may have just stumped them all though by becoming London’s first eatery offering baby meat because as yet there is no solid evidence to support the rumour that Harrods food hall have been stocking baby under the counter for years.

Spotted Kath Woolf

Ironic Hand Dryer – Liverpool St Station

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Patrick in East, Nightlife, Shit London Photo, The City, Toilets, Transport | Leave a comment

I have a theory as to why this hand dryer may be broken. One friday night I was fortunate/unfortunate enough to witness a city worker, who had clearly over achieved on the alcohol front, unbelievably manage to mistake one of these Dyson hand dryers for a urinal. It’s difficult to tell who was more surprised at the time, the guy who mistakenly subjected his penis to an intense blast of high pressured air or the 6 or 7 other people who were suddenly enveloped in a fine mist of urine.

Spotted by Henry Cole

Insensitive Planning, Sutton

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Patrick in Bleak, Buildings, Local Government, Shit London Photo, Signs, South | 1 Comment

It’s important in life to be aware of your own mortality. In fact not being aware of your own mortality can often lead to people coming face to face with it in sudden, lively and painful ways. Sutton Council’s decision to place their Life Centre mere yards from their cemetery seems at first glance a deeply cynical move. Thinking about it though it makes perfect sense in these times. To reduce carbon emissions it’s logical to get all the buildings that deal with life and death located as near to each other as possible. Hospitals should always be built next to cemeteries. Whilst it understandably might upset a few sensitive people and possibly depress the patients, it would reduce massively the emissions from all those private ambulances ferrying the recently deceased around like luxurious black cabs for those with rigor mortis. Local authorities could side step the need for those entirely by simply installing a network of water-slide type tubes to which connect various hospital departments directly to the cemetery next door. When a patient dies just make sure they’re not wearing a watch, any jewellery or cut-off denim shorts and then pop their cadaver down the tube. It’d be just a like a rather macabre version of that Barclaycard ad but marginally less irritating after the thirtieth time you’ve seen it.

Spotted by Richard Sweet