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You have to worry about a club night when it uses toilet facilities in an attempt to lure punters in. Maybe all these years I’ve been going to rather exclusive clubs without realising it, because I can safely say that a unifying feature between all of them was that they had toilets. It’s just a given in Western Europe. Some are better than others, granted. Some you need wellies to walk through if you don’t want to catch something whilst others on the opposite end of the scale employ a gentlemen whose job is ostensibly to dispense paper towels and aftershave but who, more often than not, actually ends up standing in the corner delivering a seemingly infinite monologue on the correlation between personal hygiene, aftershave potency and the chances of picking up someone that night. This is a racket that can leave you haemorrhaging pound coins for what is, on the whole, a deeply unrelaxing experience. For those who haven’t experienced this the only thing I could liken it to would be trying to go for a piss on a Saturday morning, inside a market stall on the high street, run by a incredibly vocal trader selling cheap perfume and aftershave.

The other thing that concerns me about this sign is that they use “music” as one of the lures to get people through the doors. Again I would’ve taken music as a pretty much expected if not central component to any decent club night. Without it you’re just left with large, schizophrenically lit room with no audio barrier to the sounds of burps and farts that occur in large groups of people drinking fermented hop juice (Trust me. I once took my earphones at a silent disco and was quite astounded at the cacophony of escaping wind from the masses around me. People tend to forget themselves when enveloped in sound, this is the same principal which explains why people pee in pools).

What the vibes may be I’m not sure but from a place that sells itself on playing music and providing toilet facilities, all from an A4 photocopy sellotaped to a bin….I’m not expecting too much.

Spotted by Dan Jones