Hmmm, what to drink? The “London Style” gin or the “vodka flavoured spirit”? Wait a sec, forget it, Parazone is on offer. I’ll get a couple of those and mix it with some Lucozade instead.

Of course you should never drink bleach, it’ll almost certainly kill you. Which reminds me of something that happened when I was at college. Sitting in one my classes there was a knock on the door and one of the college secretaries entered the room. “Is there a student called Patrick Dalton here? There’s an emergency phone call for him at the office.” I put my hand up and followed her downstairs running through a list of possible terrible scenarios, working out who out from my family was most likely to have died. With a feeling of dread I picked up the phone, cautiously said hello and was greeted by my Mum’s panicked voice at the end of the line.

Mum: Are you okay?!!
Me: Yeah, why? What’s happened?
Mum: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. What’s going on?!
Mum: I left a glassful of bleach next to the sink, did you drink it?
Me: No!
Mum: Are you sure?
Me: I’m fairly certain I’d have noticed.
Mum: Oh thank God.

With this she hung up and I was left with the secretary looking at me expectantly.
“Is everything okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, my mum just thought I’d drunk a glass of bleach that’s all.”
Looking suddenly alarmed, “Have you?!?!”
“NO!”

I didn’t know what disturbed me more, that my Mum would leave glasses full of poisonous substances casually lying around the house or that she and the secretary thought that I didn’t awareness enough of my own body to realise when I’d drunk one.

Spotted by Mean Eyed Cat