00.14

Well done Team GB. You did us proud.

I’m going to stop typing now.

00.11

And THAT is it. Despite all the cynicism going into this it can’t be denied that was a fantastic two weeks. I’ll certainly miss it.

Oh gin

00.07

Roger Daltry singing “I hope I die before I get old” calls into question what exactly he considers “old” these days

00.03

“Teenage Wasteland” is an interesting choice of last song. Let’s hope it’s not a chilling portent of the future of the Olympic Park.

00.01

The Who….BRITISH.

23.59

This suddenly feels like a satanic mass.

23.58

You know how Lord of the Rings had a few too many endings? Well, that.

23.57

Darcey Bussell takes to the stage.  Even her name sounds like a dance.

23.56

Oh dear, I’m feeling really quite sad now. Like I said “Gin”

23.52

The cauldron disassembles. That’s it London, we did it. Well done.

Now for Take That……….

23.49

80,000 people simultaneously wish they’d paid more attention in French class

23.47

National pride levels at the highest they’ve been since people held a BBQ underneath that perspex box that David Blaine imprisoned himself in by Tower Bridge a few years ago.

23.41

I think Coe may actually cry. Can’t say I blame him

23.40

Coe and Rogge. This’ll be exciting.

23.38

Pele!!!

23.38

As a quick aside I’d like to mention that typing on a iPad is RUBBISH.

23.37

The Brazilians have brought their own supermodel to the party. Let’s send Naomi back in armed with a phone to get all Streatham on her ass.

23.33

It’s the glowing bucket head men! Or is it a Brazilian Devo??

23.31

It’s Rio’s turn now. They’ve possessed a London street sweeper and made him samba with what looks like a bodyguard?!?

23.30

Everyone gets a go waving the flag. The mayor or Rio has a bit of trouble…maybe it’s not all that easy. The Brazilian national anthem isn’t as exciting as I’d imagined it would be.

I’ve just been told that might be a lazy racial stereotype….by an AMERICAN.

23.27

Boris is never good with a flag. This could get hairy

23.26

Will they just chuck a big bucket of water over the cauldron at the end or give us a close up of a hand turning off the gas tap. How much will the gas bill be anyway?

23.23

Actually, seeing a whole stadium stamp their feet and clap to ” We will rock you” is quite a powerful thing. People should march out of the stadium doing this all the way to Syria take out Assad and then keep matching gathering more and more people to the flag until they take eventually over the planet.

23.19

Jessie J joins Queen. Pigs fly. Unkey’s Muncle. World ends.

23.17

He’s dressed as some kind of space wizard which is nice.

23.16

Brian May….or he may not, depending on your point of view.

23.15

I love that Freddie Mercury can still get a stadium to do his bidding from beyond the grave.

23.12

Here come Muse…spoilt apocalyptic sounding stuff. Why so serious? Devon isn’t that bad is it?

23.10

This Eric Idle Bhangra mashup is genius…..and he said the shit line as well! That’ll cause some havoc world wide. Good to see the Pythons still being subversive.

23.07

Eric Idle! Will he sing the “Life’s a bit of shit when you look at it” line I wonder? Please make it happen

No he won’t. Damn

23.04

It’s a bunch of Edwardians about renting a man about to be shot out of a cannon….of course. This happens ALL the time.

23.03

Nice to see one of the Bay City Rollers in Liam’s band though

23.00

Liam Gallagher has decided to sing entirely through his nostrils this evening in honor of Team GB’s achievements

22.58

Holy Shit!!! Boris Johnson dancing with the Camerons is possibly been the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen!

22.56

The Spice Girls arrive by taxi and remind us that “Wannabe” hasn’t approved with age.

22.54

This HAS got better. I’ll concede that. Although I just spotted that Beady Eye have their drum kit on stage which mean that Liam Gallagher will make an imminent appearence. Hope he’s singing Oasis songs.

22.50

Now it’s my turn “Taio Cruz is British?!?”

22.46

Jessie J saying “It’s not about the money” whilst riding in a Bentley . Oh the irony!

22.44

Fatboy Slim has displayed a hitherto unseen talent for transforming buses into large squid type creatures. Good job!

22.41

What next? Michael MacIntyre doing the Sex Pistols?

22.40

Russell Brand dressed as a Dickensian tramp atop the Merry Pranksters bus is single handedly attempting to destroy The Beatles.  I thought that would be impossible but apparently not.

22.38

Part of me wishes it had been One Direction singing Pink Floyd’s “Wish you were here” rather than Ed Sheeran. That would’ve been nicely weird.

22.33

Does Annie Lennox age? She always looks the same. She could be 500 years old for all I know. Isn’t anyone going to investigate this?

22.31

Annie Lennox arrives on a boat from the underworld looking strung out on crack. Edgy.

22.29

What will happen when all the models meet? A fight?

22.28

Multi pronged catwalk action!

22.25

Please please please let Bowie arrive on a spaceship

22.23

Here come the mods! No….it’s the Kaiser Chiefs?!?

22.21

George Michael now playing something nobody has ever heard. Just do the Wham Rap and get on with it.

22.14

Now “Is George Michael British?”

I kind of wish that he’d entered the stadium in a Range Rover and crashed into something. That would’ve been a great entrance

22.12

PLEASE let John Lennon return from the dead. That would silence the world

22.11

Nice to see John Lennon taking part even though he’s dead. That’s professionalism for you.

22.07

The volunteers get the biggest applause of the night. Too right. How many of their shirts will be on eBay tomorrow?

22.06

You know, I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to the Spice Girls so much.

22.05

Third Beatles song of the night “Here comes the sun”

22.04

It’s only 5pm here but now I’ve hit the gin. Expect these updates to become increasingly maudlin as the night goes on

22.01

These are ALL British acts!!!! I keep telling them but it’s not sinking in. I’m in New York…perhaps I should’ve explained that.

I almost want to watch the NBC coverage now just to see if they understand what British means

21.58

Last time I was here I got into a big argument with someone who claimed that The Rolling Stones were American. The room has just expressed surprise that One Direction are British! They thought they were from Florida.

This British theme is obviously quite hard to grasp

21.55

Okay I’ve just been asked “Is Kate Bush British?!”

Jesus wept

21.54

Last time I did this I let everyone know when I took a loo break. I won’t do that this time.

21.52

So we’ve had West End Girls twice, Our House Twice and Parklife twice. Why? Has someone left the iPod on repeat by mistake?

21.50

France proving that even though they can’t ride bikes  anymore they can still backflip

21.45

Bring back the dancing Isambard Kingdom Brunels. I liked them

21.42

Why do all choirs do that weird walking not walking thing when they sing?

21.41

Andrew Gardiner on Twitter has just tweeted me saying that Ricky Gervais seems to be fronting Elbow tonight. Nice symmetry with Mr Bean playing with the LPO in the opening I suppose

21.38

Aside from the Metro centre in Newcastle, this will be the largest ever gathering of people in tracksuits Britain has seen. FACT

21.37

Elbow. Nothing funny to say about them.

21.34

Who are these space vixens accompanying the flag bearers?

21.30

Montage now of weeping people. There were a hell  of a lot of tears this Olympics weren’t there? I wept at my TV a few times. Sport has never made me cry before…unless you count that time I got hit in the nuts with a basketball but that’s another story

21.28

If Mick Hucknall turns up I’m going out instead.

21.27

Is Emile Sande wearing her dressing gown?

21.27

Can we just get Team GB to walk around the stadium to “Heroes” all night instead?

21.25

Keith Harris was his name. Thanks

21.24

It’s Ray Davies!!! He look a bit like the bloke that used to have his hand up Orville and Cuddles the monkey. What was his name anyway?

SHA LA LA

21.22

And now the second Beatles song of the night “Day in the Life” with people in Lycra suits doing…..something

21.19

Oh Stomp..instruments courtesy of B&Q

21.16

One Direction riding a lorry in one direction….clockwise.

21.16

Neil Tennant rides around the stadium on a Soho rickshaw dressed as an S&M wizard of some kind

21.14

This is what the opening ceremony could have been. Let’s be thankful it wasn’t

Still waiting to be won over. My 16 year old self would’ve found that Parklife bit so bizarre….my 33 year old self did

21.11

I’m watching this with an American and she is completely perplexed by the show. She also just asked …”Madness? Are they British?! I thought they were American”

God help me

21.08

This music reminds me of that advert for windeeze with the out of tune bowel orchestra so far…or a cat playing the bagpipes

21.06

Timothy Spall doing a raspy Churchill/Caliban whilst protruding from the top of a Big Ben constructed from newspaper. Not sure about this so far

21.05

If Stomp are here how long will it be before Diversity show up?

21.04

Oh fuck. It’s Stomp and the first Beatles music of the night

21.03

Big flame! I meant the Olympic cauldron of course

21.02

Looks like they’ve reconstructed London in the middle of the Stadium….out of recycled newspaper. Better watch that big flame

21.00

I hope this lives up to the opening ceremony. And I hope Trevor Nelson treats us to some more of his great insights

20.57

No reason for me to write that. Just testing really