00.49

….and that’s it. I’m going home.

Goodnight London! Let’s see how the next couple of weeks work out.

Make sure to visit Shit London to keep up with the shittier side of the Olympics

I’m excited….hope you are. x

00.45

We’ve pulled our biggest gun with “Hey Jude”…..and so it begins.

00.42

Plumes of smoke dominate the skyline to the strains of “Hey Jude”

00.41

From the balcolny it appears that East London has been destroyed in a massive exploison

00.39

…and there we have it….a flower of flame that becomes a flame of flowers

00.34

..or La Roux even?

00.33

Is that La Rpux singing?!?!?

00.32

The official hug?!

00.31

Oh wait it’s not Redgrave lighting the flame…who will it be?? Becks drove the boat so it can’t be him.

00.30

Redgrave runs into the stadium flanked by builders

00.29

It’s oath time. Yeah. Dean Gaffney made an appearance. I think

00.26

Unless they swap it at  the last minute and choose Dappy. It could happen.

00.26

It’s Redgrave! He deserves it.

00.25

Here comes the flame…on a LASER speedboat. This is unprecedented.

00.23

Not Ali obviously….or the flag, that’s inanimate

00.23

Ali, the flag…..who will light the flame?

00.17

I’m drunk….this sounds French

00.15

Rogge. really…stop

00.13

Legacy schmegacy

00.12

This Rogge guy ooozes charisma

00.12

What is Rogge a doctor in exactly? Bring back the inventor of the internet!

00.11

Bring the hologram Beatles on!!!!!!!!!

00.10

Personally, I think we should just attach huge engines to Wales and then sail Britain around the world taking this show on the road…or sea even…whatever. It’s a flawed plan. I see that.

00.07

Uh-oh Sebastian Coe

00.06

No , wait it was just an angel on a bike

00.06

ET is involved!!!

00.05

Avatard

00.04

Is the Arctic Monkeys covering “Come Together” a precursor to McCartney playing or has he died sometime during the opening ceremony?

00.04

That’s it world. We’re the most rock n’ roll country on Earth.

00.02

Holy shit! It’s the Arctic Monkeys featuring a guy in tracksuit and The Fonz on lead vocals.

23.58

Go Team GB!!!! Nice gold trim on their tracksuits…..a fitting tribute to Jimmy Saville.

23.56

And here we are! “Heroes” by David Bowie…the Queen looked like she was doing her knitting when we arrived

23.54

Only 5 countries to go until Team GB.

Good job on the music so far. We’ve got a rich catalogue to choose from I suppose.

McCartney still to show up as well

23.50

USA wearing Ralph Lauren seemingly inspired by Frank Spencer

23.48

Right, who’s going to light the torch? There are thoughts here that it could be Beckham kicking a flaming ball into the cauldron or Daley Thompson throwing a flaming javelin. Or it could just be Roger Bannister immolating himself and throwing his body into the gas to create the flame

23.46

15 minutes until Team GB apparently! I’m looking forward to them. Who knew there were so many T’s?

23.44

Am I? I’m just saying stuff now.

23.44

Timor-Leste, I’m expecting big things from them.

23.42

Where is Bono anyway?

23.41

I spoke too soon. It’s U2 now.

23.41

Fuck. I feel I’m supposed to maintain a cool cynicism about this but this is actually pretty damned cool. So far, no fuck ups.

23.38

I’ve resorted to accents now.

23.38

Sith Ifrica now.

23.38

I’m getting country fatigue now. I mean, I love that fact that the world is such a wide and varied place but c’mon, you’re athletes, can’t you walk a little faster.

23.34

Back. From where I can see the streets of central London look pretty deserted. Hmmm

23.27

Another quick fag break. Olympic spirit

23.26

Paraguay – helloooo

23.23

One thing that this ceremony has highlighted to me is my shocking knowledge of how the alphabet is ordered. I blame my primary school teachers.

23.19

Prince Albert of Monaco pictured with his happy wife. Keep your eyes peeled, she may try and escape him again. This is the perfect cover. In fact, if she gets out and you live in the Stratford area, give the poor woman shelter.

23.16

This is a seemingly endless stream of people…damn the world is huge. I’m learning all sorts of useless info from the BBC sports team…like the fact that the Mauritanian national anthem has NO words.

23.13

Nope.

23.13

Major Laser?????????

23.12

So far I have no idea who’s going to win this race. Some of the teams are frankly huge…others not so. It’s all to play for.

23.10

Krgystan – winners of the silly hat competition so far

23.09

Another giant…this time Korean ( south )

23.09

Apparently that’s not what your supposed to say when live blogging. Sorry

23.08

I need the loo

23.08

Sorry, distracted

23.08

Who was that? I fancied her.

23.07

I think, and I don’t want to get you too excited, that we may be witnessing the largest EVER assembled group of people wearing blazers…and it’s in our city.

23.05

The Queen is still looking a bit miserable but to be fair to her…it’s past her bedtime and when she gets in she’ll have missed Midsomer Murders.

23.04

I like these independent athletes who have no country to call their own. They’re like the cool kids that smoke round the back of the changing rooms

23.02

Wait….how many letters are there in the alphabet? I know there are 26 right? No, 27. No, 26.

22.58

their

22.58

The Germans – making they’re biggest appearance in the east end since The Blitz

22.56

Do team GB have to wear a stupid hat? I hope not. Some of these teams look silly. Georgia look like they’re doing a tribute to Chas n’ Dave.

22.53

The Estonians have some serious anoraks going on. They put us to shame.

22.50

Here come the North Koreans. Right flag this time. We should keep them here…or at least make them smuggle back some Marmite. I dunno….I’m losing it a bit here. We’re up to K right?

22.48

Trevor Nelson says he’s “so sad that Blanka won’t be there”….I had no idea Street Fighter characters were ever involved.

22.46

The commentators have just revealed that the grassy mound is in fact supposed to represent Glastonbury Tor. Sadly there are no nude pagans atop.

22.45

How many  countries are there on Earth? Seriously, I want to know. I haven’t heard of a lot of these.

22.43

This must be the first time the Pet Shop Boys have been played at a major sporting event.

22.42

The biggest Chinese man EVER carries the flag for China

22.38

They should incorporate a World Song Contest in to this…make the ceremony 30 hours long.

22.37

The Bulgiarian team – dressed at tablecloths

22.24

Back in 5.

22.24

This is going to last a while…..I may go and have a fag.

We’re doing well methinks.

22.22

Here come the Athletes! Greece first …they invented the Olympics. They should’ve licensed it frankly…made some money.

22.19

So far so good I think. What about you? Don’t answer that, I don’t know why I asked really. The mood round this way is quite positive. How much of this makes sense if you’re not from Britain?

This guy in orange looks a bit intense. Is this the 28 Days Later bit??

22.15

I’ve just been for a wee

22.10

It’s the inventor of the web…the king geek is there…and even though he’s just sitting miming on a keyboard he must be thinking “Screw you Jock’s! Look at me, sitting on my keyboard looking all cool and shit”. In fact. cancel the Olympics and just put him on a podium for 2 weeks.

22.07

Dizzy Rasclart – local boy done good….follows weird love story before Muse come along to soundtrack the couple dancing in a loft??? 

22.05

After tonight,

22.05

Okay…..this has just ruined…I’m never using social media again.

22.04

WE ARE BRITAIN. WE DO DRUGS. Seems to be the message.

22.03

Why the fuck is everyone texting all through the ceremony?

22.01

A thousand punks have just died.

22.00

“Fuck you L.A!!!!” was the reaction on seeing the multiple jet pack men.

21.59

We keep alluding to the fact that WWII was a big deal to us without saying that we won.

21.58

…and now a celebration of The Underground…..followed by Eric Clapton….and then…hang on….I can’t keep up…The Kinks…now the Stones….okay….erm…..The Kink’s….the Beatles…..and KES?!?!?!?

21.56

What is happening? This is like being in a wankers brain.

21.55

Okay…now something weird has happened…to “Enola Gay”. I’m not sure what that was….I think it;’s the top 50 TV Moments Ever…as seen on Channel 5.

21.51

We did it…we got fart joke into the ceremony, We’ve won.

21.50

Half the world will be going absolutely fucking nuts right now at the sight of old Beanbag. Seriously, he’s the most successful British export since colonialism.

21.48

Simon Rattle and his afro arrive to conduct the LPO playing Chariots of Fire….with Mr Bean! He looks like he’s checking his Twitter whilst playing his synth.

21.45

Oh shit. The giant freak baby is here….as we’d all feared it would be.

21.45

I bet those kids on the beds are having the time of their young foolish lives. Enjoy while it lasts kids. It’s all downhill from here.

21.43

Army of Poppins descend to kill Lord Voldemort with song and all that

21.41

Is Noel Fielding the Child Catcher???

21.40

JK Rowling arrives to rub her wealth in Queenie’s face whilst a paedophile in a cart looks to snatch some young dancers. It’s literature time!

21.39

Sssshing nurse swing this whole show back into nightmare territory

21.38

I’ve never seen sheets that white in a hospital

21.37

…and we’ll provide the aftercare if you get cancer afterwards

21.37

NHS – stick that in your pipe and smoke it America!

21.36

The children are healed!!!

21.35

Staff of the NHS and less critical patients wheeled out as Mike Oldfield plays the Exorcist theme tune

21.34

SMILE woman SMILE….they’re playing your song!

21.32

Now the army come to stamp on some grass as per tradition

21.31

Elizabeth has entered the building…obviously tired of these big events. Cheer up love, might never happen. When was the last time she smiled anyway? Maybe someone should give her a goose’s neck to break. She likes that kind of thing

21.30

And Bond is parachuting into the stadium with the Queen!! Holy shizz

21.28

Churchill’s ( the PM not the insurance bulldog ) statue has just come to life

21.27

No!!! The real Queen is now walking along with James Bond….yes she looks a bit pissed off but it’s cool to see her taking part in something this weird.

21.26

Daniel Craig or James Bond  has turned up at Buckingham Place in a black cab! To assassinate the Queen

21.24

Glowing rings have produced whoops from this once cynical room.

21.22

Trying to maintain a cool cynicism here but I think Danny Boyle may have smacked it…and I never say “smacked it”.

It could be the booze though.

21.19

All 7000 of The Beatles have arrived….or I’m drunk. I can’t tell anymore. This may just be a cheese dream

21.17

Holy shit. Where did they put those chimneys??

21.15

Here come the suffragettes – Britain’s first girl band

21.14

Here come Satan’s mills!!! Looking forward to Satan making an appearance.

21.13

Now the Victorian Diversity are busting some moves whilst others roll up turf and go do a gardening job.

21.12

Top hat sales predicted to soar tomorrow.

21.10

Green volcano spews working class men

21.09

It’s the tree of life from Avatar!!

21.09

I smell HAM

21.08

The Victorians have shown up on a big carriage…I smell a revolution coming. An industrial revolution led by Kenneth Branagh as Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

They’re going to burn all the grass, build a mill and give some kids consumption.

21.05

The inevitable child singing “Jerusalem”….or miming it at least. More peasants gather honey and tend the crops. This is  really quite Wicker Man so far.

21.01

I think Danny Boyle may have just made a film.

20.58

And we’re off!

The crowd have been smothered in blue material. What can it mean??

20.47

This is surreal….I love it. Milk maids wander through fields of wild flowers. The bloke singing is Frank Turner. “Either you’ve heard of him or you haven’t” …apparently.

20.44

Peasants play football to the music of someone I’ve never heard of. So far so Radio 2 picnic in the park…or something

20.40

Early peeks into the stadium show that it looks a little like Hobbiton

20.39

The Red Arrows flypast scares the living piss out of people on Tottenham Ct Road. I honestly thought we were under attack.

17.55

Hopefully

17.54

Come back around 9ish….something will be happening by then

17.54

The ceremony hasn’t started yet. I’m just testing that this works really.